In healthy relationships, transparency is often praised as a cornerstone of trust. But what happens when “transparency” is used not to build connection, but to control, monitor, and manipulate?
Many people find themselves in relationships where a partner demands access to their digital devices, monitors conversations, or insists on knowing every password. Though this might be framed as openness, it often masks an unhealthy dynamic: digital surveillance disguised as intimacy.
Signs of Digital Control in a Relationship
While some couples voluntarily share devices and passwords, problems arise when this becomes one-sided, coercive, or emotionally charged. Red flags include:
- Demanding access to your phone while keeping theirs off-limits
- Secretly deleting or editing your messages
- Exploding with anger when you ask for reciprocal transparency
In more volatile cases, a partner might even throw or destroy a phone during an argument. Others may secretly maintain additional phones or use encrypted apps to hide behavior, all while preaching the need for “honesty” and “openness.” This behavior reveals a desire to dominate, not to connect.
Why Narcissists Give the New Supply Access
If you’re the former partner who was denied access—and now you see the narcissist handing over their phone to the new supply—you may feel confused or hurt. Here’s why this happens:
1. Love-Bombing & Image Crafting
In the early “idealization” phase, narcissists love-bomb the new partner to win them over. Granting phone access isn’t about trust—it’s a performance to appear honest and different from what their ex accused them of.
They’ll say things like:
“You can check my phone anytime. I have nothing to hide.”
This fosters false trust and helps discredit the old partner’s experience.
2. Punishing the Old Supply
By being “open” with the new partner, the narcissist sends a message to the discarded one:
“See? I can be transparent. You were the problem.”
It’s not about actual change—it’s a form of psychological punishment, used to avoid accountability and boost their own image.
3. Control Disguised as Openness
Narcissists may grant temporary access, but it’s calculated:
- They control what the new partner sees
- They use it to justify mutual snooping
- They eventually revoke access to destabilize the dynamic
It’s not transparency—it’s a tactic.
4. Nothing to Hide (Yet)
Early in a new relationship, the narcissist may not yet be juggling secrets. So, giving phone access feels “safe.” But once deception resumes, access is revoked—or new secrets are hidden elsewhere.
Why the Old Supply Was Kept in the Dark
When you’re in the devaluation or discard phase, the narcissist no longer feels the need to keep up appearances. They react with rage to your requests, accuse you of being controlling, or even weaponize their secrecy against you. This shift isn’t about fairness—it’s about what benefits them in the moment.
When “Transparency” Is Actually Control
Healthy transparency is rooted in mutual respect and voluntary sharing—not pressure, guilt, or fear.
If your partner:
- Demands access to your devices
- Hides their own
- Responds with hostility when asked for equality
…these are signs of emotional manipulation, not openness.
What To Do If You’re the New or Old Supply
If You’re the New Supply:
- Watch for future shifts: That “openness” may disappear when the idealization ends.
- Set digital boundaries early: Don’t feel pressured to share everything to “prove” you’re trustworthy.
- Don’t ignore inconsistencies: A curated phone, missing messages, or evasive answers are red flags.
- Protect your emotional independence: If it feels too good to be true, investigate your instincts.
If You’re the Old Supply (Discarded):
- Don’t internalize the comparison: Their “openness” with the new partner is performance, not progress.
- Limit your exposure: Block or mute social media that showcases their new dynamic—it’s designed to hurt you.
- Reclaim your narrative: Speak your truth without needing validation from the narcissist or their new partner.
- Focus on healing: Therapy, journaling, support groups, or online communities can help rebuild your confidence and self-trust.
Final Thoughts
When transparency is demanded but not reciprocated, when openness feels like surveillance, and when secrets live beneath a polished surface—what you’re experiencing isn’t love. It’s control dressed up as connection.
You deserve relationships built on mutual respect, not manipulation.
Disclaimer
This blog post is for informational purposes only and reflects general relationship dynamics that may arise in emotionally manipulative situations. It does not diagnose any individual or provide legal or clinical advice. All names, scenarios, and descriptions are illustrative and not based on any specific person. If you believe you are experiencing emotional abuse, control, or manipulation, please consult a licensed mental health professional or legal advisor for personalized support.