No More Excuses. No More Projects. Just Peace, Partnership, and Clarity.
A personal perspective on love, limits, and finally learning the difference.
Let me start with this: I’m not a therapist, a coach, or a relationship guru. I’m just a person who’s made more than a few questionable romantic decisions—and finally decided to stop handing out backstage passes to people who don’t even deserve a ticket.
Something I’ve discovered in my 40s (with the help of a good therapist and some serious pattern-breaking) is that I am, in fact, a recovering people pleaser. And while that might sound like a quirky personality trait on a dating profile, in real life? It’s been a disaster.
Mostly in my love life, but if I’m being honest—friendships, too.
I don’t go looking for people to fix. I really don’t. But somehow… they find me. It started with animals when I was little. Then it turned into letting friends crash at our house if they needed a soft landing. And somewhere along the way, it became me playing life support for almost every man I’ve ever dated.
And I get it now: I wasn’t being kind—I was abandoning myself in the name of love.
🟥 Red Flags I No Longer Ignore
These used to slip in wearing charm, trauma stories, and big potential. But I see them now for what they are: red flags with glitter.
- Dodging questions or being vague about their past
- Emotional unavailability hidden behind “I’ve just been through a lot”
- “Friendships” with exes that still have strings
- No stable housing, no real income—but endless promises
- Every ex was “crazy” and somehow they were never the issue
- Guilt-tripping, shutting down, or deflecting instead of real communication
🚫 My Non-Negotiables (AKA: Minimum Requirements to Ride This Ride)
Let me be clear: these aren’t outrageous standards. These are basics. You don’t get to access my peace, energy, or body unless you come correct.
- No small children. Teens headed for college? Sure. Toddlers and custody battles? Nope.
- No fresh divorcees. Heal first. I’m not your in-between person.
- No cheaters. That includes “accidental” DMs, emotional affairs, and shady texting habits.
- No fixer-uppers. If you need therapy, stability, or a wake-up call—get that before dating. I’m not your recovery program.
- Must be stable. Emotionally, financially, physically. Have your own place, a job, benefits, and a future plan.
- Good hygiene is a must. Shower. Floss. Wear deodorant. Go to the doctor.
- Be honest. Be direct. If something’s not working, say so. Don’t ghost, manipulate, or lie because you’re conflict-avoidant.
And listen, if you…
- Don’t take care of your kids?
- Have cheated your way through relationships?
- Think three evictions in two years is just “bad luck”?
We are not aligned. And that’s OK—but I’m not available.
🟡 Where I Can Be Flexible
I don’t need perfection. I need growth.
I respect people who:
- Acknowledge their mess and take accountability
- Are open to therapy and self-reflection
- Choose honesty over avoidance
- Show up consistently—not just when it’s convenient
Grace exists—but only when it’s earned through growth, not just apology.
The Pattern I Had to Break
I used to think helping someone meant loving them. That if they needed me, it meant I mattered. But what I really needed was to stop confusing potential with partnership.
So if you’re someone who constantly gives, who over-functions in every relationship, who loses yourself in someone else’s crisis while ignoring your own gut—this is your invitation to stop.
You don’t have to harden.
You don’t have to shut down.
You just have to stop abandoning yourself in the name of connection.
✨ Real Talk
This stuff is hard. Unlearning old habits is messy. But dating in your 40s gives you a huge gift: clarity—if you’re willing to use it.
You’re not starting from scratch. You’re starting from experience.
And if you’ve lived enough, you already know:
Love isn’t meant to break you down. It’s meant to meet you where you are—and grow from there.
So:
- Keep your standards.
- Set your boundaries.
- And stop calling emotional labor “chemistry.”
💬 Let’s Talk
What are your non-negotiables?
What red flags are you finally done ignoring?
Drop them in the comments—or send this to a friend who needs the reminder:
You’re allowed to have standards. In fact, you should.
